racing around in my head.
Published on January 27, 2007
By
Arlya
In
Misc
Yesterday I was doing laundry in our frigid basement when I saw him. The biggest damn spider I have ever seen in my life. He sat on the wall staring at me. "Why am I afraid of something so small?" I wonder. Because he can bite and kill me, I remind myself. Natural human response. I throw the clothes in the washer and holler for Tyson. He likes this kind of thing, he's too small to understand the danger, but big enough to be intrigued but wary. "Spider! Look! You see it? Spider!" he exclaims. "Yeah, ew a spider!" I reply. We leave.
During Tyson's nap I go to put stuff in the dryer. He's still there. I'm thinking of naming the beast now since he's so damn big. And still there. I open the dryer, glaring at him. I can't take my eyes off of him because he might scurry toward me, or jump on me and get all vampiric. I'm generally not this afraid of spiders, but this thing was big. I run upstairs and get Dan and beg him to come "take care" of the spider for me. He does. I love him. He's my spider slayer.
-----------------
Abby giggles in her sleep and is music in my mind. I smile in the dark and wonder what she dreams about. She laughed at me last night when I was carrying her downstairs. It was the first time she's done so, awake.
----------------
Tyson gets really excited about everything. It finally snowed for the first time this winter and he can't stop talking about it. Lately he tells me about how much he likes "The yellow school" and "The Jessie" and "The K.C." (his teachers) He reminds me of myself sometimes. I wish he liked me more.
---------------
I'm on this kind of journey right now to find out what I'm really about. I'm not running off leaving the kids and Dan behind to live some wild ways or anything like that. But I'm writing, I'm reading, I'm taking a break from the internet, and taking a break from WoW. It's busy in my mind and I need to do some organizing up there. I want to know me, and I want to love me. I want to feel like I am good enough, like I am special, like I have worth.
--------------
I wish Angela and I still lived in the buildings beside each other. I really regret being such a wuss about just going over to her place and hanging out. I wish we would have gotten together more. I think we were a really good match as friends and it took me quite a while to see that. I remember we would go over to each others houses, and our houses were a mess and so were we, but we didn't care. It was just about having a friend, and our boy's having friends. I really miss her. I keep thinking about how much fun it would be to do things together. She always wanted to go out and do stuff that was fun for us and the kids. Maybe I'll see her at another duty station. Who knows?