Published on December 15, 2006
By
Arlya
In
Misc
“Damn, I don’t know if I can do this…” I think to myself as I sit there crying over my infant daughter while hiding my face from my toddler. I can’t let him see me cry, because seeing Mommy cry makes Tyson cry. I wallow in a sticky puddle of self-pity for a moment. I can’t help but think how hard this is, I can’t relax and I haven’t had more than a few Doritos and some toast and it’s now 2pm. The 4 hours of sleep I got last night have already been drained from me. “I don’t know if I can do this…I don’t know if I can be the mother these two kids deserve. I don’t know if I can handle this.” My heart feels shattered into sticky red bits and I feel like a failure. One day on my own with these two and I’m falling apart. I feel anxiety well up in my chest and I want to scream to make my negative thoughts shut up. “I don’t’ know if I can do this…” It echoes in my mind. Somewhere above the roar of insanity, a voice, full of authority silences me. “You can do this, you will do this, and do you know why? There’s no other choice. You are these children’s mother, they depend on you and you have to be strong for them. Pull yourself together, there is no giving up.”
I guess this kind of thing takes time.